Monday, March 05, 2012

Reflection and Realization

I thought I was coming on this trip as just a little vacation, a time to visit with family. But funny how things sometimes turn into something we never even saw coming. I knew I was very dependent on my access to networks, whether it be connected by phone or internet. BUT when both of those connections are tested and tried it forces one to disconnect.  OK, I’ll admit it wasn’t like being in the wilderness of the Congo but it was definite downtime for me. I love my Sprint phone but travelling through Oklahoma my phone worked about 30% of  the time (yes, I’m too cheap to put it on roaming) and I had no wireless access for my computer. My time here in Florida has not proved much different, service is spotty and I will not have computer access until I get to the airport in Tampa. (I’m writing my blog posts and will upload when connection is available).

The positive thing is I have had plenty of time for self-relfection and thinking.....lordy be, LOTS of thinking! Without getting too personal I’ll share a bit of what I have discovered.  I have found myself at a time in my life where changes are being made, some by my choice, some thrust upon me, but my reaction to those changes is completely up to me. Starting with the visit to the butterfly farm, seeing the butterfly and relating it to my life. The butterfly has no choice, it is going through it’s life cycle doing what it does, just sustaining itself, then it is thrown into the rigors of change, it has no choice, it is enveloped by the chrysalis, a dark, almost suffocating place where it must just wait. Then suddenly, the confining sac pushes away and it will emerge, it is transformed from the frumpy caterpillar to the beautiful butterfly, actually more fragile but more flexible. Ability to fly and seek out what it desires. It’s life cycle half over and yet now free to fly and explore it’s new character.

It’s funny how the most simple encounters can effect us, for instance, I have long said, I cannot make a decision. I don’t know why, I used to think it was because things just didn’t matter to me, so therefore if a choice was importatnt to someone else, then they should make it. BUT although I still do subscribe to that vein of thought, I also think that maybe I was always a little worried about someone else not being happy. I’ve come to the realization that I deserve to make decisions that will make ME happy, yes, I deserve that too. WOW, did I just say that? I am valuable enough to do what I want. ............I think I hear trumpets. :) I know that this is something that is built into the fabric of my being and will not change overnight.....and truthfully, I don’t necessarily want that to change, I kinda like the flexible side of me, but now that I’m seeing it in a different way, I want to channel it in an alternate direction. Instead of asking a waiter what they recommend just because I can’t decide, I want to LISTEN to what they are saying and even if it isn’t what I would choose, or even necessarily LIKE, I want to try it, experience it, not be afraid of new experiences. The experience at the cajun restaurant brought this concept to light, I could have been safe and ordered a steak but decided to step out a little and was pleasantly surprised.

Another character trait that I have been evaluating is that I seem to place my value and worth directly on the words of others. I found that I am overly concerned, maybe even consumed by what I think, feel or hear others saying in regard to me. I have decided that I am going to just be confident in myself, and as long as I’m not a B* word, then that is enough. I am very worthy just as I am. I am funny, strong, witty, intelligent and dog gone adorable ok, maybe adorable is pushing it. I cannot and should not depend on anyone else to give me my confidence, it is spring fed from my brain and pools in my soul.

Not a complete transformation but I feel like I’m making some changes and change is good, right?

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