Monday, March 14, 2011

Lions and Tigers and Bears- Oh My! Mascot Bracketology 2011 version- Let's Dance!


Last year I did my bracketology according to the team mascots and which on could eat the other one. This year I am sticking with the mascot as the pivotal ingredient in the first round of predictions, but changing it up by choosing according to:
Which mascot could win in a face off pirate-type sword fight?
Yes, I'm pretty sure that is totally scientific. But of course you must also remember, it's my blog, my predictions so it's my logic, which at times isn't very logical at all. So without further ado, here we go:

Ohio St Buckeyes-(either UTSA Road Runners or Ala. St Hornets) -First of all I have never seen a dead Road Runner on the road, so obviously they are elusive and I HAVE seen dead hornets, even killed a few myself.....but wielding a sword? Buckeyes.....a seedling, seriously? a seedling? no out.....and can a hornet even lift a pirate sword? but road runners can't fly, so they'd be stabbing at feet.....the win goes to the HORNETS
George Mason Patriots vs. Villanova Wildcats - generally I'd have to go with the wildcats simply because the Patriots sounds kinda lame but in this case......a Patriot is closer to an actual pirate (even kinda dress in a similar fashion) then a wildcat so the prediction is the Patriots
West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (UAB Blazers or Clemson Tigers) ok, Blazer? wasn't even sure what that was, it apparently is a dragon, a green dragon which reminded me of Puff the Magic Dragon so I'm thinking he is probably........shall we say.......mellow.....probably more interested in finding a bag of cheetos than putting up a fight, which leads me to choose between the Mountianeers and the Tigers. Mountaineers are used to swinging that pick axe and are strong and burly, and Tigers are fierce but Clemson is orange......I hate the color orange, so this win goes to the Mountaineers.
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Princeton Tigers This is a tough one, neither is really suited to wield a pirate sword, so how to decide? This was my logic - Pirates drink rum, an alcoholic beverage, Kentucky is famous for Bourbon, an alcoholic beverage, Tigers? the best they can do is be turned to butter in the book, Little Black Sambo........although, buttered rum is considered a tasty treat, I'm going to have to go with the Wildcats.
Xavier Musketeers vs. Marquette Golden Eagles - well, this might seem quite obvious, I always envision musketeers being very similar to a pirate, however, it's a foot soldier armed with a musket.....and then there are pictures of the 3 musketeers in which the guys all seemed rather what to do? But really since musketeers actually have hands to hold a sword, I'm going to have to choose the Musketeers
Syracuse Orangemen vs. Indiana St. Sycamores- ok, originally the mascot for Indiana St was the "fighting teachers" wow, just wow.......maybe they should be in Wisconsin.....just sayin'........anyway they changed it to the Sycamores because why? because a fighting tree is so much more scary? please.....but the Orangemen are... well........ oranges..... so this is a tough one for me, I don't like fruit, I don't like the color orange, so I guess I will choose the VERY FIERCE, tree. I pick the Sycamores, like it matters........
Washington Huskies vs. Georgia Bulldogs - oh, talk about dog eat dog.......the huskies are definitely cuter and probably less apt to suffer some sort of heart failure under extreme physical exertion but bulldogs are tenacious. But in a sword fight between the two.......I'm going to have to go with the Huskies they are taller and I think they could wield a sword with their tail if need be.
North Carolina Tarheels vs. Long Island Blackbirds - first of all, a tarheel is a native of North Carolina......really? that as a mascot? I am picturing Elmo sitting on his porch with a moonshine jug, cleaning his shotgun and lamenting about when he used to have teeth. And Blackbirds, when the world is long gone, the only thing remaining will be all the dumb black birds so the win goes to the Blackbirds.

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Boston Terriers - OMGOSH, a boston terrier? What is he going to yip yip until our ears bleed? Nope the mighty Jayhawk will win, wielding the sword in his strong Jayhawk talons, or better yet, ditch the sword and just pierce the unsuspecting hearts of the little terrier boys. I choose the Crimson and Blue Jayhawks, Rock Chalk Baby! What? Who? Me? biased, nah......
UNLV Running Rebels vs Illinois Fighting Illini- I don't even like saying makes me grimace, for that fact alone, I choose the Running Rebels.
Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Richmond Spiders-
wow, all I can picture is Lionel Richie singing "Sail On" or "Nightshift" and then my mind races to a picture of Charlotte from Charlotte's Web. So I'm thinking the spider is one smart animal and even though in theory the Commodores could hold a sword, I'm banking on the one that can weave the words, 'some pig' in silk that is literally pulled out of it's butt. Spiders
Louisville Cardinals vs Morehead St. Eagles - Birds of a feather......hmmmm, how to choose, I don't even know who or where Morehead is - the win goes to the Cardinals.
Georgetown Hoya vs (USC Trojans or VCU Rams)- ok, their mascot is the bulldog, but Hoya doesn't mean bulldog, so based on the fact they are trying to defraud us, they are out, and between the Trojans and the Rams......Trojans are fighters and can hold the sword, Rams, they have sissy horns that are curved, not even pointed for impaling. Trojans 
Purdue Boilermakes vs St. Peter's Peacocks - although Peacocks have a nasty temperment I cannot hold a sword. I'm thinking though you could attach a sword to the front of the Boilermaker engine and plow over the stupid peacock, who's proud now, Mr. Peter Peacock? Win goes to Boilermakers 
Texas A&M Aggies vs. Florida St Seminoles - can't let color influence because they are both crimson ( I like that better than burgandy, burgandy reminds me of Will Farrel in Anchorman) so it comes down to the Farmer vs the Indian. Well, we still have crazy farmers in this country and do not have wild Indians, so I'm going with the Aggies.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs Akron Zips - ok, soooo confused. The zip is short for zippers which is a type of overshoe.....and their mascot is a kangaroo. And I can't even think about the word zip without thinking of that stuffed monkey from yesteryear with the plastic banana in his hand and molded tennis shoes on his feet.  And although the kangaroo thing is super cool and I think I might even pay money to see a drunk Irishmen fighting a Kangaroo in a sword fight, I think I'm going to have to go with the Fighting Irish.

Duke Blue Devils vs. Hampton Pirates - I do not even know who Hampton is but this is a no brainer, the Pirates.
Michigan Wolverines vs Tennessee Volunteers - ordinarily I would need to pick the Volunteers even though that is another dumb name for a mascot- seriously, do they just all get together for a hoe down and then let the drunk guy pick the mascot names? But, Volunteers do have arms and can theoretically hold a sword BUT! they are by default (and that I liked the movie, Red Dawn), the win will go to the Wolverines.
Arizona Wildcats vs Memphis Tigers - wow, another wildcat/tiger match up, how can I pick? This was my rationale -yes, there is some rationale in my process - the colors for the two teams Arizona - red, white and blue, although patriotic, the Memphis Tigers are Blue and Gold, pirates are in search of gold therefore being more like pirates, the pick is the Tigers.
Texas Longhorns vs Oakland Golden Grizzlies- Have you been to the circus lately? Bears are trainable, I think if you gave them a sword they would be eating longhorn steaks for dinner. And then of course......the Texas color is orange, 'nuff said. The victory will go to the Golden Grizzlies. 
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Missouri Tigers - I actually had to look up what the heck a bearcat is, and it is not a bear at all, more like a big cat, but lives in asian countries, eats mostly fruits and to me,  kinda looked like a raccoon in the face. However he has a totally prehensile tail, which means he can wield things with it. Can a tiger do that? I think not, I choose the Bearcats.
Connecticut Huskies vs. Bucknell Bison-  since neither of these is going to be any good at a pirate fight and I see no connection to pirates what so ever, I had to find different logic. In this case, Huskies are cuter, they pull sleds and are able to stand extreme weather conditions. Bison are big and stupid, anything that just stands there and let's themselves become extinct by the hands of a people shooting them with bows and arrows, deserve to go home in the first round, my pick is the Huskies. 
Temple Owls vs Penn St Nittany Lions -  neither the owl or the lion can hold a sword so I chose in this way, Nittany Lion? what the heck it just sounds like a little sissy lion and an owl? well he can turn his head almost all the way around, how cool is that? So I choose the Owls based solely on the creepy cool factor.
San Diego St Aztecs vs. Northern Colo Bears - I'm thinking that an Aztec is a warrior, bred to fight and could probably poke a hole in a Bear pretty easily. So for that reason I choose the Aztecs.

Pittsburgh Panthers vs (UNC Ash Bulldogs or UALR Trojans - Ok, we have a sleek, big cat against either a fat, very ugly dog or a Warrior dressed in a skirt. Really have you ever thought about that......armor, helmet and a skirt? Talk about what not to wear...... anyway, the Trojan has arms even if he is kinda girly with the skirt thing going on so I'm going with the Trojans.
Butler Bulldogs vs Old Dominion Monarchs- So you might be wondering what kind of Monarch? Is is a butterfly or even ruler of a government which is a hereditary title? No, in this case, the mascot representing the Monarchs is a Lion. So once again we have an overweight, smashed up face dog and he is facing a lion. I'm thinking even if the lion cannot fight using the sword, his claws would be like tiny little sabres and shred the bowlegged dog before he knew what hit him, win goes to the Monarchs.
Kansas State Wildcats vs. Utah St Aggies - Are you kidding me? A farmer vs a wildcat? A farmer might be able to hold and handle that sword but the crafty wildcat will pounce from behind and sever the jugular before the farmer knows what hit him. Yep, I'm going with the Wildcats.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Belmont Bruins - We don't need no stinkin' badgers......oh wait, that's badges, never mind. Wisconsin.....they have had a tumultuous year, and the Bruins, fancy name for a bear - just call it a bear already would you? I would say these teams are fairly divided in the pirate sword competition but since Belmont ( I can't even say, Belmont without sounding like Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island), has to be all fancy and call themselves the "Bruins" I am rooting for the Badgers. Badger - it just sounds fiesty.
St. John's NY Red Storm vs Gonzaga Zags- who knew? a zag is the name but they are the......yes, you guessed it, another BULLDOG. After some research I have discovered that the mascot is actually the Thunderbird..that isn't even real.....if you are going to choose a mascot that totally has nothing to do with your names at least it should be real. I mean the Bulldog is ugly but does actually exist so I'm choosing the Zags or  Bulldogs.
BYU Cougars vs Wofford Terriers - The sleek and stealthy cougar against a yappy, lapdog terrier? And seriously, who can say Wofford without thinking Judge Wapner? I hear Raymond from Rain Main, "Fifteen minutes until People's Court and Judge Wapner".. and I'm thinking the Terriers might need to take a road trip to KMart for new boxers after the Cougars take it to them in the first round. 
UCLA Bruins vs Michigan State Spartans - OK, sissy guy warrior in a skirt against the fancy name Bear/Bruins. Will Farrel made a great Spartan cheerleader in SNL so hope the Spartans bring it against UCLA, I'm sure Arianna and Craig will be cheering for them. Win goes to the Spartans
Florida Gators vs UC Santa Barbara Gauchos Really? Really? Gauchos?....they were bad as a fashion choice, they are bad as a mascot. But I know what you are thinking, Florida is orange and blue, ORANGE? I get blue - water but orange, what part of gator makes you think orange? I had decided that color alone was going to make me choose the fearless gauchos until I pulled up a picture of them on the site, seriously, what font is that on their uniforms, pretty weak.......but I still will choose the mighty, mighty gauchos.

No comments: